seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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