Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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