I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
