I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
