woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
