Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
