Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
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Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
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On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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