I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
