Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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