i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
