I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
