Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
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She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
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I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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