If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
