I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize