My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
