My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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