i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
