Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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