Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
