Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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