There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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