I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
