We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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