Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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