Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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