Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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