Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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