I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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