I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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