Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
