And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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