NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
