i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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