she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
