when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
