Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize