I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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