Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
