do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
