So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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