neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
tonight lets celebrate not being married
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
