well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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