Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
