I think i peed on brittanys purse
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
