There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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