dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
