Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Randomize
