You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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