You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
