I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
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