I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
