I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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