Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
