areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
