I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
