in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
