Your mouth is God's brothel.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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